Second Chances of friendship

So hello there again. Im lazy to intro so here we go...


Last time Brien and I fought bcoz I didnt told him about my boyfie. He rant all over facebook showing  how angry he was but then we worked things out.


Today I went out with my best friend Abrien and close friend Jenny. Ive mentioned them here before. So brien treated us dinner at Jollibee and Calea. It was a fun tiring day. We talked about our high school life and they keep asking about my relationship. OH well.

On the other hand, boyfie keeps messaging me about what Im doing. He told me he is jealous with Brien but like seriously, its no big deal. But I miss boyfie coz its been 2 weeks I havent seen him. I miss him so muchy.

New Goal: Just Travel

Isn't it exciting? Isn't it amazing?
I saw one of my friends' FB account, and she was like having fun travelling the world. I want that too.

Oh gosh. I badly want to travel the world if possible. I need to have a big salary if ever I work in the future. I guess It will be possible only if I work abroad. Maybe I'll stay in Singapore if God's will. Though boyfie really doesn't want me to go out of this country, but oh well. Let see ba.


Places I want to go: Local and international

Lakawon
Sipalay
Palawan
Benguet
Tagaytay
Baguio
Boracay
Cebu
Davao
Malaysia
Hong Kong
Japan
Korea
Thailand
Paris
New York


Do dreams come true? Perhaps.

Thank You!

Though it didn't worked out, Im still really happy to know you. You give me perspective in life, you taught me to be mature in facing every situation. It's sad that our story ended, and you're just another lesson for me, but I'll cherish everything. I'll always remember you as a Kuya who treated me as a younger sister.

Im also sorry for falling for you which I didn't planned in the first place. I know that it's my fault we're not talking anymore. Sorry for that. But while im recovering from all of these, I am wishing you all the success. I may not be there for u, but you will be always a part of me growing up, as a 20s person. Haha. Thank You very much!

Why Like that?

I tried my best to be the best of what I am but it's always not enough. I tried to be the most understanding person but it's still not worthed

It was a 10 days of dreaming but he woke up and for the millionth time, it didn't worked out. It's weird, it's stressing me out


I asked TYJ if he missed me, he replied, ALAMAK. Haha.  Right to the bones. Slap my face,please.


See la? Why is it like this? It's so sad.


But oh well, life's go on.

Enotionful

I dunno why, just this i feel so emo. Maybe just being pessimistic again. Mom's sick so I need to take care of her. But she's okay now, thank God.


Thoughts of the future, again.

Love me like you do

It means "love me in your own way." But do it better. Do it like you mean it. Do it like you really do love me.

It's all over now

It is surely the end of it all.

July 5 - it was Lim's bday and I was thinking of messaging him, just to greet him. Like I did last year, last last year and 3 years ago. So I did. I messaged him around 12 am plus. We had a short convo because it was very late.

Morning came, we still message each other just about life and all. Then he asked me if i have someone special, and I said, i have but he friendzoned me (thinking about TYJ), He also told me he doesn't have someone special because he said "Im still the one in his heart." I was speechless for awhile, as far as I know he never lied to me, but at this point I think he was jst overwhelmed. I don't want to talk more about him coz at that time, I wasn't interested anymore.

I was also messaging TYJ that time and I told him about what Lim said to me. I told him that I don't have feelings for Lim and it's all because of him, which is a fact by the way. Coz that time, I was really interested to talk to TYJ. On that day, everytime my phone vibrates (always on silent mode) I was hoping its TYJ not Lim. Haha.


July 7- As usual TYJ and I would jst chat abt random stuffs, but it came to a convo in which I asked him if why he keeps telling me that he is a bad person. He told me he doesn't believe in love. I was curious. So i asked him if what I am to him. He told me he also ask himself that question. I was TREMENDOUSLY HURT. After all this time, Im still a friend to him. But I am trying to put all the blame on me because in the first place I chose to contact him again. I was hurt very much that I was hoping that it was just all a dream. But no, he said that. Now, Im not trying to contact him anymore because of the hurt that Im still trying to get rid of. It will take time. I feel bad for him because he tried to reach out, but I hope he understand that Im the midst of moving on.


So yes, this is the end of the story. No happy ending. Just a tragic affair.



Im sorry heart but we need to start again.

The world as it shouldn't be

I don't understand what is happening in this world. I don't want to live in this kind of situation wherein the right is the least priority. God is the least priority and the will of man excel.

Is this the world u wanted to lived in? Is this what God's want us to lived in?

Stop and Look Forward

I want to understand where you come from. But I am tired of all of these. We are just fooling ourselves. I want to give up.


Let's stop and just go with the flow without each other's company. I think this is the best for both worlds.

Little by Little Love fades

Trust me, people get tired.
Tired of pleasing someone
Tired of making efforts
Tired of making others happy
Tired of expecting something
Tired of waiting
Tired of loving


and then love fades, naturally.



I don't want love, I want Calculus!

Maybe just maybe I was deceived

It's been 4 days he's not online, I was worried but I was thinking maybe there's no wifi, maybe he's enjoying his trip. Then, someone told me to download this another app and I saw him online there!

Exclamation point coz I was shocked. I mean, he can have internet access but why not just tell me that he can't message me for four days straight and until the end of the trip??? Is tHat really hard???


Oh yeah, I remember. There's no commitment. Maybe I'm just to attached again. But it feels really bad to be in this situation.

But look in the other hand, it's God's will for the betterment of my future. I just take this as a lesson. I am still happy that it's not too late for me to know I was deceived.

It hurts honestly, it's normal u think. My conscience is clean, I was honest to him the whole time. I didn't cheat. Haha. Life and it's lessons really.

Hoping for nothing

If you love someone, no matter how busy you are you'll make time for them.

If you love someone, you'll make the smallest effort to make them happy

If you love someone, you'll tell them the slightest thing about yourself.

If you love someone, you'll be proud to let everyone know about them.

If you love someone, you'll message them randomly.

If you love someone, you'll tell them.

But you didn't do any of those, so after all this time, im hoping for nothing. I just proved myself being a stupid person, yet again. Thanks for making me realize about it.

Distance

Distance doesn't matter they say.


But the reality of it, not able to see the person you want the most is an unbearable sadness. It matters. It matters for those who long for someone.


To be with someone is one of the best feelings which was taken to you. Hoping for that little bit of chance that you might see that someone. It absolutely doesn't make sense at all.



The mere fact that there's no assurance of happily ever after, but Why on earth I have to choose someone who is miles away?  The happiness you have from someone without their presence is indeed a stupid choice. But at the end of the day, he's the one who listens and gives you comfort. It's worthed it, for now.

Me being Me

As a sister to my siblings
1. I shout whenever or whatever the reasons
2. Punching and slapping are signs of a good relationship
3. We bully each other a lot.
4. I am the craziest person they know.
5. I never act as the oldest sibling.



As a Friend
1.  I don't tell them when Im angry or pissed.
2. They bully me a lot.
3. Im the invinsible friend.
4. Im not updated with others lives
5. I care a lot when they're sick.



As a Gf
1. I cry when Im angry.
2. Overprotective.
3. I tell him all my secrets.
4. Depend too much.
5. Care too much about everything

That "not meant to be" Feeling

Hey there self!!


So I and TYJ started talking again. It's been a week that we are messaging constantly. Getting to know more about each other.

We had meaningful convo before, but I think today we're like very close and just talk about everything in life.

I'm really happy that I had a chance to talked to him again, I was half way ready in forgetting him. But my mind says no, so here we are confused of what is our status. Too sad eh.


Ugh, yes he knows I like him very much, and I think he likes me as well but of course as a close friend only.


Too bad because we're far away from each other and all we could say is , "how i wish", "i hope", something like that which makes me sad.


I'm okay, he's okay with this, but me thinking that I have to let go of my feelings somewhere in the future, just crashed my heart. haha.


I sincerely dunno what will happen, maybe going with the flow might be a terrible yet interesting idea we wanted to try :)

Hopeful much

Is there a chance?? :(

Note to self

You're gonna get hurt more.
But you took the risk.
Someday he'll leave you.
Will you be fine?


You are this one crazy girl.
I told you to move on.
You didn't, you never tried.
Don't expect too much.


He is just a friend, forever will be.

Dear TYJ

See? I thought I can stop talking about him but still here I am.


Hey loves! How are you? Are you doing well? Hang in there, soon you'll graduate. I am very excited for you to finish your studies. You never know, but Im really happy for you. I secretly pray for your success.


I know this is useless but I can't say it to you in person so I just put it here. I badly want to be in your graduation day! But anyway, just Take good care always.


Don't worry, I will be okay. I will be fine. Be happy always!! :)


Wo ai ni <3

Summer away

Few chosen photos

I am so lazy to update anything. I will try my best though.

1st Day:

Reunion Day! So I seen my relatives from my Mom's side. I seen but never met them really. I also seen my Aunt, but we're same age. She has a son already. Her mom told me, my body structure is not suitable to have a husband yet. Like I told u! I look like a 12 year old girl. Sad la!

2nd Day

Rot at home. Nothing to do. Afternoon time, I and my siblings went to the park to play. I enjoyed it. Thats it.

On the other side of my brain:

I was thinking of the "seenzoned" moment.
But TYJ replied after a day. But better not to reply, so I can just move on yes? ugh, I think no.

Mid-Summer

Tomorrow Im going to my mom's hometown. They have a reunion, oh well I guess im included. I just want to go not because I wanted to, but for the sake of SUMMER.


My summer should be fruitful. Full of memories. Full of happiness. Full of sweats. Full of heat. Full of burnt skin! Ahhhhh!!! My precious skin is turning into a roasted skin!

But its all worthed it!!!


I jumped from a 15 ft. rock maybe!! no, I didnt die. I fell into the water, thu i dunno how to swim but I did it! of course, my bros drag me to the shallow part after that.


I wish I was an adventurous person, maybe I can discover and learn more. Issit too late??

Things I realized when I turned 21

So there are things I realized when I turned 21. I never thought life would be different as I wanted it to be. I learned and I will still learn a lot.

1. Being 21 - I am the eldest in the family. I am also the oldest in our youth at church. I still don't act like a 21 yrs old, I act like a 12 yrs old girl. I'm not a responsible child/leader. 


2. Ministry - I should have learned the piano when I have the time. When everyone else in the circle of friends were used in the Music ministry, I was left behind.


3. Job - I don't have the skills to be a good technician and I think Im not capable to be one. But until now I don't know what I really want.


4. Love - thru all the failures and heartaches, its because I expected too much. I am a great assumer. Now, I learn to just let go of everything. Let go and Let God. Wait. Just wait for it.


5. Beach - No, I dont like the beach anymore thu I live very near to the beach. I don't like the sun either. I hate swimming. I should have learned how to swim.


6. Social Life - I killed my social life.  Whether in real or the internet. I don't use much of anything that can interact with people. I don't go out much. I wanted to stay at home always.


7. Study - I wanted to study engineering not because I wanted to be an engineer, I will study because I dont want to be just a technician with minimum salary. I wanted to be like others, to have what they want.


8. Singapore - Yes, I wanted to go there. I wanted to stay there. But maybe not now, I realized not now. I am not ready spiritually. Maybe I don't want to go there any more.


9. Lady - I am a girl, but never a woman. Everyone knows how to fix themselves, I am left with my messy hair and unpowdered face. I can wear good clothes, but it can never hide how not lady-like I am.


10.  Body - I need to eat vegetables, I need to exercise. Its hard, but I know Its worthed it in the end. I will try. I should.

Refresh Heart

Oh well, I decided for the millionth time, I removed ex in my FB. Better this way, forget everything.


I wanted to message TYJ, but im scared. I want to tell him what I feel, but in this case I guess I rather keep this and not disturb him anymore. Anyway im going home soon and I will never ever see him again.


Worth the risk but then im scared of the risk, might hurt me well.

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I love you, kuya

I know this is crazy, but I know now who I want. Its you Tan Yi Jun.

I want to see you, but im just very shy. I have no confidence.

I have to say goodbye after my vacation here. I hope you the best for your career and all. Please go find the perfect girl.


I LOVE YOU, KUYA.



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Change background

So hello! Tough day.
Nothing much, stayed at home.
Overthinking .

Its been 1033 days since I became stupid.
Cheers!!!

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Overthinking

I just wonder why...

You told me not to message you again
You told me to find someone better.

Why? I want to know why you think such things. I know maturity reigns in your mind, but I want to know why.


Maybe really im not worthed enough for you in everything. I am not okay, but its okay, anyway I have been like this for years, im used to it. Pain was part of my life.


I can smile with bitterness hidden. This is me anyway. I have been a terrible person. Sad. Im very sad.

The pain was so common. So random.




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So close yet so far

I am now in Spore, with the doubts of the future. I don't know what Im doin here. Job? Holiday? Its hard choice. But if you would ask me , I wanna go home.


So im here now, the place where he lives. Before it was thousands miles away, but here, just one call, I can see him. But that's the case, I guess we can't see each other.

I don't want to see him. What for? Friendship? Closure? I dont get the point of seeing an ex. But im thinking its a chance. But . . I rather not.


I just need to enjoy the time im here, try not to think of all the things that is happening.

In this time, I think Im strong. I can handle things without the help of others. Im proud of myself. Thank God for this courage.

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Screw this Feeling!!

I just need to get this out my chest.
I am an idiot! A freaking idiot.
Why do I easily get hurt?
Why  do I want someone to get back with me?
I just so want to forget everything.
I don't want to be stupid anymore
Its making me crazy.
Oh   why is this happening to me?
Why is my heart so freaking fragile?
Why am I so assuming like always?
What the. . I hate myself now seriously
I hate my ugly faCE
I hate my stupid brain
I hate my weak heart
I hate it
I hate it
I hate it
I don't want this anymore
Help me stop this
Help me stop being crazy
Just please make me new
Someone, just help me
I need you now.
Please..... help

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Me is Ugly

The negative thoughts:

Never in my life I thought that someone will like me the way I look. I am sure that I am not good looking at all. I envy people around me. I envy pretty girls really.

This is how I degrade myself. Unattractive and ugly. How will you like someone like me? Tell me.  Sure you can't because you know how I look.


I have lost the interest of people liking me. I think being a  millionaire is more possible that will happen to me rather  than having someone. Sad story

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biggest Choice

I have to make the biggest choice yet. Whether to work or to study.

Firstly, I really wanted to work in Spore. Its a very bIG opportunity for me. It's my dream since then.

I don't really think about studying, but I will leave a big burden here if I'm leaving. The youth need me. I need them too.


I am in doubt, and it's all a blur. But I believe that God will led me through.

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Change of heart

Jan 28 2015

I was messaging with him and suddenly Ex messaged me. So usually I will feel nervous and expect some rekindling. But then, it was the first time that it was fine for me to messaged ex. Like a normal feeling, like no feeling at all.


So maybe yes, I was inloved with this another guy that sadly will never love me. But the pain I can still handle and I dunno why.


Moved on to another guy but hurt to this new one. I'm not really sure if what I'm doing. I always fail in love. The people I loved , leave me always.


Maybe also I don't know how to handle, coz I give everything for that person and I'm left with none. But I didn't care as long as he will be happy. This aint right. But.... its just me.


He is online, I am looking at his name. Hoping for a message. Hoping he will miss me. But maybe he won't coz I'm just nobody for him.



Feelings..  why are u so wrong? I'm hurt again. Silly me. Silly feeling.

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Me is Tired

I'm tired of giving all the love I could to people who don't want it. I know, it's my fault, it's my fault to push myself to people who won't accept me anyway. But that's life, you can't have all that there is. Its just me and my life. Terrible? Not yet.

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Picture

Sad thing about pictures are they belong to the past.

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In parallel

In Parallel

Maybe it's just me
and my overwhelming hopes
That never entered your mind
That never captured your soul


I tried to solved the pattern
And now I get the answer
We're jst two ordinary people-
Forever in parallel line.

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A New Fresh Year

Happy New Year!!
So today was a blast. I really thank God for everything. I have been blessed for all my life.

Resolutions:

1. Totally Forget Lim
2. No more Kpop
3. Always Pray
4. Always be Optimistic
5. God First


6-10. New shoes and dresses.